Finally, a Sensible Election Methodology

Want a quicker, easier, cheaper way to decide an election? Check this out. Now that's Nice!

A Few More Rankings

Here are a few more things you might be interested in.

Characteristic Points Gained

1. Tasmania Fame: 19
2. Robbie Tork: 15
3. Steve Martin, Gregory Runcic: 13

Skill Points Gained:

1. Doug Carr: 187
2. Robbie Tork: 180
3. Matraxis Vile: 176
4. Blake Cates:: 148

Total BarfBadge Score:

1. Tasmania Fame: 162
2. Doug Carr: 160
3. Gregory Runcic: 158
4. Robbie Tork: 157

Are There Any Humans Out There?

It appears that there may actually be no humans currently in contention for the Republican Presidential Nomination if this is correct. Sure, we all knew Snagglepuss, Cthulhu and Ron Paul weren't actually human, but Mitt Romney too? Say it ain't so, Mitt!

More Zombie attacks

Alert reader Rival Kane spotted this important news item about zombie attacks in Miami. It seems like nowhere is safe these days!

Additional Circles

We're not quite sure what to make of these circles of stone, since they were built on a vertical plane. But I'm sure there is some good Orcish game that they are used for. Maybe some early predecessor to croquet? Check them out!

More Skullduggery Rankings

Here are the rest of the Skullduggery rankings:

Lockpicking:

1. Robbie Tork: 10/10
2. Gregory Runcic: 9/11
3. Matraxis Vile: 8/9
4. Katarina Drum, Steve Martin: 6/6

Keypads:

1. Doug Carr: 5/5
2. Robbie Tork: 4/4
3. Tasmania Fame: 4/5
4. Katarina Drum, Steve Martin, Matraxis Vile: 3/3

Computers Hacked:

1. Maxtraxis Vile: 7/7
2. Doug Carr, Steve Martin, Robbie Tork 6/6

Safes Cracked:

1. Robbie Tork: 4/4
2. Doug Carr, Steve Martin: 3/3
4. Matraxis Vile: 3/5

Overall Skullduggery Successes:

1. Robbie Tork: 64
2. Tasmania Fame: 57
3. Doug Carr: 54
4. Matraxis Vile: 47

Skullduggery Efficiency:

1. Tasmania Fame: 80%
2. Robbie Tork: 75%
3. Katarina Drum: 68%
4. Doug Carr, Blake Cates, Matraxis Vile: 61%

Some Skullduggery Rankings

Let's see how well our contestants did at the Searching aspects of Skullduggery. We'll show the number of successes/number of attempts

File Cabinets:

1. Tasmania Fame: 25/30
2. Robbie Tork: 15/28
3. Gregory Runcic: 14/29
4. Doug Carr, Matraxis Vile: 11/26

Desks:

1. Doug Carr: 14/18
2. Matraxis Vile: 6/10
3. Tasmania Fame: 4/5
4. Blake Cates: 3/3

Bookshelves:

1. Robbie Tork: 18/20
2. Tasmania Fame: 11/12
3. Steve Martin: 8/10
4. Matraxis Vile: 8/14

Refrigerators:

1. Robbie Tork: 4/6
2. Tasmania Fame: 3/5
3. Steve Martin: 2/7
4. Doug Carr, Gregory Runcic: 2/8

Secret Doors Found:

1. Doug Carr: 7
2. Gregory Runcic: 5
3. Katarina Drum, Matraxis Vile: 2

Great job all! Shadowman would be proud of you!

More Strange Circles

We've continued our digging around Broomfield, Colorado and have discovered some new circles unlike any we've seen before. That place must have been like the effin' Orc Olympics! Check these out:

We've got no idea what game was played in these, but if you have any ideas, let me know. Given all these recent developments, we've decided to make Broomfield the base of our filming operations for Apocalypse WOW! Make sure you make your way there as soon as possible so the show can begin.

Combat Rankings

Here are the final rankings for combat, just in case you might be wondering who you'd want on your side in a fight...

Kills:

1. Gregory Runcic: 8
2. Matraxis Vile: 7
3. Katarina Drum, Tasmania Fame: 3

Damage Done:

1. Gregory Runcic: 166
2. Tasmania Fame: 74
3. Matraxis Vile: 73
4. Katarina Drum: 62

Damage Taken:

1. Gregory Runcic: 128
2. Doug Carr: 91
3. Matraxis Vile: 81
4. Rival Kane: 56

Combat Efficiency: (Damage Done/Damage Taken)

1. Blake Cates: 7.00
2. Tasmania Fame: 3.21
3. Robbie Tork: 1.95
4. Katarina Drum: 1.44

Final IDR Results

Congratulations to Tasmania Fame for setting a new record high score in the most recent IDR. The excellent showing allowed Fame to retain his slim lead in overall IDR score. The highest total IDR scores for our Spring Session were:

1. Tasmania Fame: 127

2. Doug Carr: 125

3. Matraxis Vile: 123

4. Robbie Tork: 119

Great job by all participants in discovering information that is key to understanding the End of the World. I'm sure everyone now knows exactly what they need to do! Right.

Deal or No Deal Results

As we mentioned earlier this round of Deal or No Deal was notable for Matraxis Vile's high score. This greatly aided the average score, reaching a new record high of 306,320. The median score was 50,000, still far from a record. Top scores were:

1. Matraxis Vile: 2,000,000

2. Rival Kane: 400,000

3. Steve Martin: 253,126

With Fame coming in with a poor showing of 1,000 and his closest competitors taking two of the top three spots, could he hold onto the lead? It was oh so close. With two other competitors also scoring 1,000 and another coming in at 750, the point totals based on place of finish in each contest ended up this way:

1. Tasmania Fame: 60

2. Steve Martin: 59.5

3. Matraxis Vile: 57.5

4. Blake Cates: 51.5

At the other end of the spectrum, Robbie Tork managed to avoid having to kick off our in-person Deal or No Deal tournament thanks to an amazingly poor string of showings by Gregory Runcic. Just how bad was it? In the final seven games, Runcic's combined total score was... well we don't want to embarrass Gregory, but let's just say that his combined total wouldn't have cracked our top three scores from this round. It just goes to show that handling billions of dollars isn't necessarily the best skill set for knowing when to make a deal!

BarfBadge Denied: Matraxis Vile

Matraxis Vile has failed to get the Older Than That BarfBadge (private).

BarfBadge Denied: Katarina Drum

Katarina Drum has failed to receive the We Are D.E.V.O. BarfBadge (private).

New Deal or No Deal Record

We were effin'surprised in the latest results to see a new record score in Deal or No Deal, especially since Robbie Tork had already gotten 1,000,000, which is the highest possible score. But there it was, plain as day. Matraxis Vile had somehow achieved a score of 2,000,000 on this Deal or No Deal. Nice! We asked Matraxis how it came about:

"It was totally cool. I was playing Deal or No Deal (which would be way better if you used like a laser guided missile to blow up the cases instead of just picking them, IMHO) and was about to bail out with $179,769 when there was this super bright flash like when a frag goes off in Halo. She appeared then kind of like a ghost, but a super hot one, and She was like, "Vile fan feen?", and I was like "haya", and She like smiled and said "pa nov, na zax, ken", and I was like "whoa, wor sactik?" and she was like "tar ran, gami ma." And so I waited until they opened my case and it was like or ma. Let's see some skanky old squid face top that!

 

M. Vile"

Right! Love that laser guided missile idea. Maybe we'll have to use that for our Apocalypse WOW Deal or No Deal contest. We know for sure who came in first in the latest Deal or No Deal contest, but was it enough to overtake Tasmania Fame (who came in with a score of 1,000 this time)? We'll just have to wait until the final results are tallied to see.

BarfBadge Granted: Robbie Tork

Robbie Tork has been granted the Not So Free Masonry Badge (private).

BarfBadge Granted: Doug Carr

Doug Carr has received the Older Than That BarfBadge (private).

More Circles

Our archaeologists have discovered another amazing circle of stone in Broomfield, Colorado, close by the Muckelty Pung court shown earlier.

This clearly shows a traditional Orc Before You Run arena. Notice how the arena is perfectly flat and completely free of obstacles like trees and such? Perfect for an OBYR match guaranteed to please Orcs of all ages. Be sure to tune in to Apocalypse WOW to see how the games unfold!

BarfBadge Granted: Matraxis Vile

Matraxis Vile has received the Not So Freemasonry Badge (private).

BarfBadge Denied: Steve Martin

Steve Martin writes:

"

True name:  Mi Kel 

 He arrived at about year 0001 BCE.

Mi Kel is an Ain Gel whose purpose in visiting Earth is to save humanity from the various man-made and natural cataclysmic events that threaten to wipe out mankind until such time as the rapture occurs and the chosen are taken home.

 Respectfully Submitted by Steve Martin"

Right! Except for all the parts that aren't. Which seems to be most of them. Where to begin... First off, the person pictured there is not an alien, illegal or not. So gotta deny the badge just on that basis. His true name is not Mi Kel, and he did not arrive on earth around 1 BCE. Where do you come up with this crap, anyway? Or is it part of a new comedy routine? That would be funny! Ha! 10/25.

Another Possible End of the World Scenario?

Matraxis Vile writes:

"You may laugh at rats and scoff at spiders, but this - this you cannot ignore:"

The world just gets effin' scarier every day!

BarfBadge Granted: Robbie Tork

Robbie Tork writes:

"Nigel, this is why people do not often wander in the desert.  Fortunately, I was able to defeat the Gila.  I only took a little damage.  Wait, didn't someone tell me that Gilas were poisonous?  I think I better get .. to ... a ........."

Right! That Gila Monster was thiiiiiis big! Good job, Robbie. Those Gila Monsters are tough. I'll give you an 18/25 on that one!

Amazing Discovery!

A team of Barf University's finest researchers have found an amazing discovery, a Circle of Stone in an area that was not previously known to have such structures. The circle was found in the town of Broomfield, Colorado, and is perhaps the finest example in the world of a dedicated Muckelty Pung court.

Broomfield Muckelty Pung court

You can see the dual circles allowing for a variety of formations for the game. And in the center of the circle  you can see a well preserved Leo Nar Throne. 

Leo Nar Throne

This astounding find will certainly allow for an excellent Muckelty Pung tournament as part of Apocalypse WOW, which, because of this find, will now be based out of Broomfield.We will be bringing additional researchers to the area to see what else we can uncover.

BarfBadge Granted: Tasmania Fame

Tasmania Fame writes:

"(Remember The) NAME: Tasmania Fame - FAME! STV VIEWER REGISTRATION NUMBER: 1982 BARF BADGE REQUESTED:  Big Game Hunter REQUIREMENTS:
ANIMAL HUNTER: Go out and kill an animal. The bigger and more dangerous, the better. Then get a picture of you with the dead animal and email it in. You gotta use the combat skills you learn at Barf University. No nukes allowed. Although scathing rhetoric may be acceptable SUPPORTING DOCUMENTATION:Here’s a picture of me in my Parkour gear (I wear it to be less noticible during skullduggery)Up to now it had worked just great..... but evidently Kangeroo have a keen sense of smell and I was sidewindbuchcracked by a mob of Rapid-Roo

Now I really hate to harm an animal (esp. indegenous Australian critters ) but these guys were on me like ugly on the ape and madder than a cut snake !
I had no choice but to RUN!!! ---

and eventually defend myself regretablly resulting in marsupial mayhem morbitity and mortality!!"

Right! Those rabid kangaroos can be a real menace all over Australia! Let's see how they compare to some of the other dangerous animals that have been put down recently. Tougher than a spider, not as bad as a scorpion. Guess that means this must be an 18/25. Nice!

BarfBadge Denied: Doug Carr

Doug Carr writes:

Nigel,

I want to make a Barf Badge submission for the “We are DEVO” badge.

I claim that Llana Jane Burroughs is a Valar (picture below).  To support this claim, I present her lineage.  She is the daughter of Danton Burroughs, who is the son of John Coleman Burroughs, who is the son of Edgar Rice Burroughs, the famous author of many stories, including the Tarzan and John Carter novels.  The Valar connection seems quite clear from this.  I believe Llana Jane Burroughs to be her true name. 

Edgar Rice Burroughs - Valar

John Coleman Burroughs - Valar

Danton Burroughs

Llana Jane Burroughs

Thanks, Doug Carr"

Nice work on the genealogy, Doug! It is reasonable that Edgar Rice Burroughs was a Valar from his depictions of various alternate Earths. And that his son John Coleman Burroughs inherited the gift based on his illustrations for his father's work. But once we get to Danton I can't find any indication that he inherited the Valar trait. There's no creative work or mention of dreams of other worlds. Just a guy trying to market the works of his forefathers. Same with Llana Jane, I don't see any indicator that she receives dreams, writes, illustrates, makes movies, or any of the other outlets that Valar show.

I guess this means that D.E.V.O. tendencies, like so many of our traits, are only expressed in certain individuals within a family tree. Probably like that fact that a blonde parent doesn't mean all the kids will be blonde, a Valar parent doesn't mean all descendants will have that skill. Who knows whether it will show up in later generations or not? 

All that said, it is amazingly interesting that Llana Jane Burroughs did attend Santa Barbara High School. We're not quite sure of the dates, but that would undoubtedly be interesting to know. So overall, it is interesting, but doesn't have enough evidence to merit a badge. I'll give it a 13/25.

Prophecy of the Day

Matraxis Vile writes:

I've found a page that in a terse, clear and well reasoned manner explains all that's going onright now.  

Right! Well that clears a lot of things up. Now if only we had a Fame-Martin Limiter on the internet.

Rankings

Let's take a look at some of the key rankings:

BarfBucks Acquired:

1. Gregory Runcic
2. Tasmania Fame
3. Doug Carr

Current BarfBucks:

1. Katarina Drum
2. Robbie Tork
3. Steve Martin

Characteristics Acquired:

1. Tasmania Fame
2. Robbie Tork
3. Katarina Drum, Steve Martin, Matraxis Vile

Skill Points Acquired:

1. Doug Carr
2. Robbie Tork
3. Matraxis Vile

Kills:

1. Matraxis Vile
2. Gregory Runcic
3. Doug Carr, Katarina Drum

Damage Done:

1. Gregory Runcic
2. Matraxis Vile
3. Doug Carr

Damage Taken:

1. Doug Carr
2. Gregory Runcic
3. Danny Peng

Keep up the good work all! Except for the breaking in and stealing our Barf-A-Thon stuff. No more of that!

New IDR Record

These IDR's must be getting too effin' easy as we seem to be setting records each time. But congratulations to Doug Carr for a new all-time high score in the most recent IDR. Hopefully our final IDR will provide some challenge...

Deal or No Deal Debacle

What else would you call it when the average score is 59,680? With a median score of 25,000? Maybe our contestants have seen their best days of Deal or No Deal. The latest top scores were:

1. Tasmania Fame 208,645
2. Blake Cates 200,000
3. Steve Martin 68,878

A tough board for Matraxis Vile has dropped him out of the top three. The overall rankings are now:

1. Tasmania Fame
2. Steve Martin
3. Blake Cates

With one contest left to go, can anyone overtake Fame? We'll just have to see...

Special Project Award

Congratulations to Katarina Drum from her recently completed Barf University Special Project. By combining her studies in Quantum Mechanics and Astrophysics with her diligent pursuit of Tatting she has created UTTER, the Unified Tatting Theory of Everything Real. Now we can finally understand why they call those tatting thingys 'shuttles'! Nice!

IDR Reward Clarification

Hrunrilda Crud writes:

"I'm not in IDR until after the Barf-A-Thon, so it isn't fair that people who IDR in the first part of the month get useful BarfBucks, and people who IDR later in the month get worthless BarfBucks."

Good catch, Hrunrilda. Nice to know that someone thinks at least some BarfBucks aren't worthless. But just to minimize unfairness, we won't be issuing BarfBucks for IDR scoring in May. You'll just have to be content knowing that you got a good score. 

Can't These Mayans Make Up Their Minds?

Now some folks are saying the Mayans didn't predict the world will end in 2012. Guess you can find someone to say almost anything and make it sound credible. Me? I think the odds are still favoring the End of the World crowd, but I suppose it is nice to know that there might be other options.

BarfBadge Granted: Matraxis Vile

Professor Vile writes:

"Publicly, I would like to mention that Joss Whedon (born as Joseph Hill Whedon in 1964) is without a doubt a Valar. Although quite gifted in most of his works, he himself has noted that the ideas he gets from dreams tend to resonate better with people."

Nice! Yes, Joss Whedon is clearly a Valar receiving dreams. I'm betting Buffy came from a dream, Dollhouse, maybe not so much. And nice and concise. Gotta love that in a BarfBadge. 25/25.

BarfBadge Granted: Steve Martin

Steve Martin writes:

"TRUE NAME:  LILA DENT
 LILA IS JUST OVER 2,000 YEARS OLD.  (ABOUT 2012 I THINK)
 SOMBODY TOLD ME SHE WAS THE TWIN SISTER OF GREGORY RUNCIC.  IS THAT TRUE?"

Right! Gotta grant that badge since she's definitely Older Than That. Although that whole Lila Dent thing? Not the true name. And the age? Not really close. Although she sure looks good for her age, I'll give you that! As to whether or not it is true that someone told you she was the twin sister of Gregory Runcic, I think you'd know that better than I would.  

Now as the whether or not she actually is the twin sister of Gregory Runcic, well, that seems to be a very cloudy concept that I can't really understand. There seems to be some relationship there, but twin doesn't seem to be it. So definitely good on the Badge, but a lot of speculation there that doesn't quite match up. So I'll give you a 15/25.

 

Final Barf-A-Thon

Don't forget the final Barf-A-Thon is coming up soon. We'll have the catalog for the last one available on May 15th, but, well, we need to apologize in advance. It appears that someone broke into our secure facility and made off with a number of items that we had planned to have in the final catalog, so the pickings may be a little bit scarce. But we'll do the best we can to find some suitable replacement items. Darned SKU classes!

Mayans and Computers

If the Mayans say the world is going to end in 2012, most people are like, yeah, whatever. But what if a computer agrees with them? Well, check this baby out. Nice!

Essie Voting Reminder

Don't forget, today's the last day to get your Essie votes in! And get all those fabulous BarfBucks that come with it. The races are close, and your vote may make a difference!

BarfBadge Granted: Doug Carr

Doug Carr writes:

"Nigel,

 

Here is my Animal Hunter Barf Badge submission.  I met two creepy crawling giant spiders while exploring an underground cavern in a remote part of the world.  I don't like killing, people or animals, but my personal safety required the slaying of two of the gnarly beasts in the picture.  So I believe I have completed all requirements for this badge.

 

A) Go out and kill an animal, the bigger and more dangerous the better.  I did that using combat skills learned at B.U.

 B) Get a picture of you with the animal and email it.

 Thanks, Doug Carr"

That's one big effin' spider, Doug. As to scoring, let's see. Spiders are a little tougher than rats, not nearly as bad as scorpions. Guess I'll have to give this a 17/25.  Nice!

Was Cthulhu on Mars?

And if he was, did he leave a cryptic monolith? Or is that Mon o'lith? Check out the evidence here and you be the judge!

A Different Take on the Elections

See what Kenny B and the Mall Ninjas really think about Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney. Somehow Cthulhu and Snagglepuss were able to escape criticism in this insightful look into the 2012 elections.

Essie Voting

The nominations are in and now it's time for the actual voting for your favorite videos. Here are how the nominations came out. I've assigned a helpful name to each along with the date and video designation so you can easily find them. Many categories had some duplicate nominees, so don't worry if there are less entries in some categories. 

Voting Instructions: In each category assign a first, second and third choice. Send me an email with your votes before the end of May 9th. Winners will be announced on our gala STV show on May 15th. Nice!

Best Song:

Magic (Feb 1, Song 1)

You Can’t Kill Me (Mar 15, Song 2)

Ordinary World (Jan 15, Song 3)

Dirty Deeds (May 1, Song 2)

Circle of Stone (Mar 1, Song 1)

Imagine (Feb 1, Song 3)

Another One Rides the Bus (May 1, Song 4)

Best Ad:

Always Survivors (Feb 15, Ad 2)

Sound of Silence (Apr 15, Ad 2)

UFO Phil for President (Mar 1, Ad 2)

Cthulhu for President (Mar 1, Ad 1)

Island of Dreams (May 1, Ad 1)

Best Other:

UFO Phil Gets An Agent (Apr 1, Info)

Mind Ping Pong (May 1, Public Service)

Where Are They Now? (Feb 1, Where Are They Now?)

Skullduggery 101 (Apr 15, Intro)

Cthulhu in 2 Minutes (Feb 1, Info)

Funniest:

Skullduggery 101 (Apr 15, Intro)

Island of Dreams (May 1, Ad 1)

Steve Martin Master Card (May 1, Ad 3)

Another One Rides the Bus (May 1, Song 4)

Best Production:

Aquarius (Mar 15, Ad 3)

Sound of Silence (Apr 15, Ad 2)

Circle of Stone (Mar 1, Song 1)

STV (Mar 15, Song 3)

Hey There Cthulhu (Jan 1, Song 5)

Rival Kane Promo (Mar 1, Promo)

Token Mystic:

I’m a Mason Now (April 1, Song 3)

Island of Dreams (May 1, Ad 1)

You Can’t Kill Me (Mar 15, Song 2)

Jerusalem (Jan 15, Song 2)

Devote Cthulhu (May 1, Ad 2)

Essie Nominations

Don't forget to get your Essie nominations in.You wouldn't want to miss out on those free BarfBucks! They are due by the end of May 3rd, giving us plenty of time to get the official ballots out and the real voting in. Just send me an email with your nominations.

BarfBadge Granted: Robbie Tork

Robbie Tork writes:

"Badge: Classy

Public

True Name: Cthulhu

Class: 2 - Gods

Why:  HE is an Elder God on Earth - dead yet not dead.  HIS spirit-soul is waiting.... for his worshipers to participate in HIS rising.  When HE rises, we rise!"

Nice! Short, concise and completely correct. Gotta give that a 25/25.

BarfBadge Rankings

Yeah, I meant to include rankings on BarfBadges in the May 1st update. So here they are, as of May 1:

1. Gregory Runcic
2. Tasmania Fame
3. Doug Carr
4. Blake Cates

BarfBadge Granted: Tasmania Fame

Tasmania Fame writes:

"(Remember The) NAME: Tasmania Fame - FAME!

STV VIEWER REGISTRATION NUMBER: 1982

BARF BADGE REQUESTED:  Not So Free Masonary

REQUIREMENTS:

NOT SO FREEMASONRY: Acquire an interesting document from a Masonic Temple and submit an image of it.

SUPPORTING DOCUMENTATION:

Ain’t she a Beaut Mate ?"

Oh, now that's Nice! Those Masons always have the most interesting stuff lying around. Gotta give this a 25/25!