Congratulations

Congratulations are in order for the students this term that excelled in some of their courses. We have three prize winners this term (prize = BarfBucks in case you were wondering). In order they are:

Lila Dent for her exquisite Tango with a Yak from YAK101.

Kumar Sangakkara for his tatted rendition of the Taj Mahal in TAT101.

And, of course, first prize goes to Vash Dancer for his short film Return of the Fungi, a stop action animation featuring nothing but fungi telling the story of Return of the Jedi. When Darth Vader removed his mask and his morel face appeared, it looked more real than the original movie. We asked Vash what he attributed his success to and he told us "I spent all my spare time on it, and I had a vision of what I wanted to accomplish." 

Congratulations to all the students and their excellent projects from this term. Nice!

Barf Badges

As promised on the latest STV, here’s some effin’ pertinent information on BarfBadges. Nice! There are 8 different badges you can earn over the next four months. But before we get to the details about the badges, we’ll do the fine print:

• Only beings with a registered STV viewer can submit entries.

• Each being can only make one submission for a particular BarfBadge. So if you’re doing the math, that’s a maximum of eight entries.

• Each being can only submit one entry in a week. So after you submit an entry you must wait at least seven days before the next one.

• Each entry can be submitted Publicly or Privately. Submitting Publicly has many advantages. You get double BarfBucks for your entry. And once I’ve published your submission on my Blog along with the results of it, no one else can make a duplicate entry. On the other hand if you want to guess that you are a correct answer to one of the questions, you might not want to find the answer out publicly. Up to you. If you don't state which one, your entry will be considered Private. We don't want to end up like those WikiLeaks guys. Oh wait, that was the previous post.

• Check the blog before submitting to make sure you aren’t doing a duplicate entry. Duplicates won’t count as a submission, but it would be a waste of all your hard work.

• Don’t start submitting until I post that submissions are open. That will only be after all the badges are described. 

• Entries will be accepted from beings who are living, dead or undead or any combination of the three; asleep or awake; corporeal or incorporeal; good or evil; lawful or chaotic; 

• Entire Hive Minds are considered a single being. Multiple beings in a single body must submit a single entry together. Beings split across multiple bodies may submit from each body as long as each body has a registered viewer. Beings whose souls are on another plane of existence must have a registered STV viewer on both planes. Beings who, in and of themselves, are a plane of existence may only make entries as a single entity. Imaginary beings with imaginary STV viewers are only eligible for imaginary BarfBadges. Festering, bubbling masses that constantly churn and whirl, who put forth vestigial appendages and reabsorb them, that have bubbles bursting on their surface to reveal hate-filled eyes and slobbering mouths that form and close randomly about their horrible body are eligible. Let's face it, there are too many possibilities to include them all here, so we'll just make the call as we see fit if you're too far from the norm. And we reserve the right to make whatever call we want on any being who is desperately trying to woozle an advantage.

Cross Breeding

What do you get when you cross Nyarlathotep Cthulhu with Kumar Sangakkara? That’s right, you get Gregory Runcic. Here’s Mr. Runcic’s latest blog comment:

Mr. Barf, 

We at the IMF have been monitoring STV with amusement, but also some dismay as well. Worldwide markets are already shaken by the European debt crisis, and your news program is causing some additional concern in financial circles as well. We shut down WikiLeaks and Assange is scrubbing toilets now. Be assured that we will do the same if your rhetoric remains so dark and unsubstantiated. Will you keep to facts or will you continue to fill the airways with trash and speculation? 

Yours, 

Gregory Runcic 

Director Asian Affairs, IMF

All the bluster of Nyarlathotep Cthulhu with the gnashing of teeth about facts and such of Kumar Sangakkara. But hey, Gregory,  as long as you don’t try to restrict the flow of BarfBucks into Asia, we’re good.

State of the Union

I was interested in this concept of the State of the Union address. Now I understand why everyone thinks the government is effin' stupid. I mean, I turned it off after this line:

"What's happening in Detroit can happen in other industries. It can happen in Cleveland and Pittsburgh and Raleigh."

Are you kidding me? What kind of President wants to take what's happening in Detroit and duplicate it elsewhere? Although I guess that's one way of eliminating disparity around the country. Make every place like Detroit. Although that seems more like a plan Cthulhu would have come up with.

And the speech was so effin' boring I was ready to rip my eyes out. Wouldn't it be much better if he's said something like:

"What's happening in Detroit can happen in other SPLEENS! I'LL TEAR HIS STOMACH OUT AND SHOVE IT DOWN HIS THROAT in Cleveland and Pittsburgh and Raleigh."

Now that would be a speech.

Two for the Price of One

How about this? You can get an end of the world omen and celebrity news all together in a single blog post. Nice! Cleveland's top celebrity (and Barf University Professor) Evalina Gump narrowly averted tragedy at the local Denny's this morning. While having her coffee and toast and enjoying her morning paper her table was bumped by a couple of rough looking men, spilling her coffee.

The coffee spill was undoubtedly portentous of something or other. Right. Fortunately Ms. Gump was able to dodge the hot liquid. She credited her agile maneuver to her fanatical devotion to her FIT classes.

Canceled Classes

Due to their incredibly low registration and complete lack of humor potential, BU will be cancelling DIS101: Introduction to Dishwashing and TYP101: Typewriter Repair until further notice. We apologize for any inconvenience. But heck, if those were your best career choices you're probably better off with the effin' world ending anyway.

Florida Heats Up

The Florida Republican Primary polls are slewing wildly as we near the day of decision. Mitt Romney has seen a positive surge at the expense of Newt Gingrich who is being plagued by multiple rumors of scandals involving associates and family members. The Snagglepuss campaign has seen a large influx of money which it has used to blanket the South Florida media markets. Snagglepuss has also received a public endorsement from New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. The Governor was quoted as saying "That's one cool cat!" At the same time the pink puma was undergoing withering attack ads from the new SCRAM PAC.

Rick Santorum left the state claiming he needed to work on his taxes. Meanwhile Cthulhu's polling numbers rose after his team released the elusive candidate's position on the U.S. involvement in Afghanistan. His senior adviser was quoted as saying "Nilgh'ri geb cnilgh'ri Dagon tharanak ee gof'nnog ee naron Tsathoggua ya, f'athg athg ee ftaghu ebunma fhtagn hai 'fhalma kn'a athg hlirgh, nnnch' wgah'n Shub-Niggurath y'hahnyth f'uh'e uln Hastur ngsll'ha nilgh'ri."

Now this is my kind of effin;' election! Nice!

Don't Despair

I know many of you were disappointed with the BU decision to eliminate MIN101: Mine Ping Pong. But don't despair, we are busily working a replacement course MIM101: Mime Ping Pong. Nice. Our top people are working to develop the curriculum right now, and hopefully we'll have all the materials and lesson plans in place in time for one of our March terms.

Another Sign That The End Is Near

Right. 'Nuff said.

Worldwide Unrest Increases

Violence erupted during a protest in Canberra, Australia as Prime Minister Julia Gillard was giving a speech celebrating Australia's National Day. The protesters were angry with Gillard's selection of Tasmania Fame as a replacement player on the Australia PM XI team, after the injuries to Aaron Ayre and Nathan Coulter-Nile, believing she was selling out to Fame's celebrity status instead of picking the best possible replacement.

The protest turned a bit ugly and riot police had to move in to escort the Prime Minister out behind large riot shields. The Prime Minister reportedly lost a shoe during the scuffle, but was unharmed. I guess they take their Cricket pretty seriously down under!

Meeting Expectations

Kumar Sangakarra writes: "Mr. Barf. I find your reporting to be utterly lacking in fact checking, self-serving, misleading and completely biased."

Well, yeah. It's a blog. What were you expecting?

Double or Nothing

Steve Martin writes: "Chicks dig Nigel. Inga for meenga. But, Nigel, how can I double my account balance of barf bucks and not pay any taxes?
Steve Martin
PS Did you know that Nigel Barf is an anagram for Inga Flerb?"

Right. Well Steve, that's a great question. And you have highlighted one of the great features of BarfBucks. They are all tax free. As to how to double your account balance, one way is to do well in IDR. Other ways may arise soon as well. You just never know.

Dating Service

Robbie Tork writes: "Mr. Barf, I am kinda new to this blogging thing. And I must say, the things on your blog are very interesting! I notice that some of the questions are self answering, so I will try one. I am interested in contacting a person on your blog, a Mr. Cthulhu (my girlfriend is a big fan). How does one do this? Of course as I write this I realize all he has to do is email me (which he can by looking at my member status). Thanks for all the cool updates. I am looking forward to classes!" 
 
Nice to have you on board Robbie. Clearly you're a quick study, figuring out how to use the mailbag for your own self-serving purposes. Like my blog is an effin' dating service or something. Ha! I'd say you sure catch on quick for someone who is kinda new! Right.

Celebrity Update

I know a lot of you can't go more than a couple of hours without an effin' celebrity update, so here's the latest on Tasmania Fame. Fame was apparently down at the pitch working out with the Australia PM XI team when 12th man Aaron Ayre and Nathan Coulter-Nile got into a nasty collision in the field. Both were carted off to the hospital and will be unavailable for the match. Australia Prime Minister Julia Gillard, needing another player, then invited Fame to join the team in Nile's place for the match against Sri-Lanka. Fame said "I am incredibly humbled to be on the pitch with these great players. Remember my name!" In related news, in order to keep the fan base satiated with Fame news, the Fame PR people reported that Fame peed five times yesterday. Right.

Also related, Sri Lankan player Kumar Sangakkara's request to wear a tentacle helmet at the match was denied by the ICC. The proposed design can be seen below. The Sangakkara camp also reported that he peed six times yesterday. Nice!  Does that mean he's winning or losing? I can never tell with some of these sports.

The World Will Not End in 2012?

Gregory Runcic writes: "The International Monetary Fund has allocated massive funds to supporting faltering economies worldwide. And things are stabilizing and improving every day. The world will most certainly NOT END in 2012. Those who have joined us in our efforts shall reap great financial rewards. Loser extremists like Mr. Barf will be coming to us for loans when Dec. 21 comes and goes and the world is still here. The choice is yours.

Sincerely,
Gregory Runcic
Director Asian Affairs
IMF"

Welcome to the site Gregory. Glad to see there is at least one effin' optimist out there. And to help you prop up those faltering world economies I'll make sure you get your BarfBucks without delay!

CME

CME. That's a nice three letter acronym. Sounds effin' harmless! Of course what it actually stands for is Coronal Mass Ejection, which is a sort of sciency way of saying the sun is puking its guts out. Didn't the Mayans say something about that? Here's what it looks like:

Nice! I'm sure it is nothing to worry about though. Right. If you want to feel good about massive amounts of particles bombarding the earth you can read this. I'm sure you're feeling better already.

Score!

Creative STV viewer Blake Cates has figured out a new way to score himself some additional BarfBucks. He's started Blogging Like It's The End of the World himself. You can check it out at http://punchyjoe.blogspot.com/ Nice!

South Carolina Primary Results In

Newt Gingrich has claimed a decisive victory in the South Carolina primary. His win yesterday dramatically alters the face of the Republican Primary race. The overall voting numbers were:

Newt Gingrich: 30%

Mitt Romney: 20%

Snagglepuss: 20%

Rick Santorum: 13%

Ron Paul: 10%

Cthulhu: 7%

The Snagglepuss team claimed their showing was a mandate for a candidate who is so new to the race. Romney supporters dismissed the Snagglepuss challenge saying "No one in their right mind can seriously consider a candidate who only has one name. His star will fade soon enough." Are they saying that he will be starless? Nice. 

The Cthulhu camp was spinning their disappointing showing, claiming they had split the evil vote with Newt Gingrich and the insane vote with Ron Paul, and vowed to get their base constituencies better aligned for the Florida contest on January 31st. Right.

Nice Call!

Australia Prime Minister Julia Gillard has invited rising pop star Tasmania Fame to play a post game concert following the Prime Minister XI match against Sri Lanka on Feb. 3rd at Manuka Bowl, according Carl Manners, Fame's manager. "It's a great honor to be able to participate in this event, which will have all of Australia watching," said Manners. "More and more people are beginning to remember his name." Brad Haddin, captain of the squad said "I've been a fan of his for a long time. Everything from his early naïve period through the dark and angry time (or maybe it was one bad day) in his late teens." Looks like STV has backed the effin' right singer this time!

Another One Bites the Dust

Republican Presidential hopeful Rick Perry has dropped out of the primaries. Perry said "There is no viable way forward for me. Each step I take seems to take me deeper into the forlorn abyss of hopelessness populated by creatures writhing in agony, tentacled horrors, and tormented souls, and it wears on my rapidly failing sanity." Perry felt it was essential to drop out now while he could still throw his support to Newt Gingrich. "The voices in my head kept telling me to endorse Cthulhu, but I really think that Newt is the person best suited to replace Barack Obama in the White House." Nice! Me, I think he dropped out now because he was just an effin' chicken.

Traffic Stats

This blogger platform is Nice! You can even see where all your blog traffic is coming from. Check this out:

If we were doing rankings, we'd say the top ranked countries were the U.S., Australia, Russia, Brazil, Germany and Latvia. Pretty soon we'll have the whole effin' world following all things Barf.

Class Cancellation

We're sorry to announce that BU is cancelling MIN101: Introduction to Mine Ping Pong for this course term. It appears that we still have a few kinks to work out in the program. I don't know where I got the idea for the class, but it just hasn't gelled yet. We tried playing ping pong in a mine, but it gets effin' dark down there. And the constant explosions and falling debris really mess with your game. Then we spent some time playing ping pong with land mines, and that was an effin' riot I tell you, but our insurance guys have been mumbling something about insufficient actuarial data to begin the underwriting process, or some such crap. But don't worry, we still have plenty of openings in ALG101: Algae and You.

But Is It Cricket?

Kumar Sangakkara writes "Hi Nigel. I play for the Sri Lanka national Cricket team and we'll be facing the Australia PM XI team on February 3rd at Manuka Oval. My teammates are suggesting that I wear protective headgear with tentacles on it, but I'm not certain it will be sanctioned by the ICC. What do you recommend?"

Nice! Welcome to the site Kumar! Seems like a lot of people are asking that exact question these days: Tentacles or No Tentacles? In my opinion it seems like a personal choice that should be made in the privacy of one's own home without effin' undo government invasion, but then again my last world was utterly destroyed, so what do I know?

Santorum Lashes Out

Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum lashed out at dark horse candidate Cthulhu after the recent debate in South Carolina where Cthulhu deigned not to make an appearance or send a representative. "It's un-American," Santorum ranted. "He should have to stand up here and get smeared just like the rest of us. And how did he get on the ballot anyway? I bet he wasn't even born in America. Let's see his birth certificate." Election officials confirmed that Cthulhu had filed all the requisite paperwork to merit being on the ballot.

Friends in Low Places

Nyarlathotep Cthulhu writes: "Nigel, my friend. You cannot escape fate, you can only delay it's arrival. The master calls for a choice and you deny it. Give yourself over now to that which will be. Even now he stirs in his deep home. Soon he will wake and call upon those who will serve him. Do you wish to be cast out of this new world of yours? Do you wish to be adrift on the cosmic tide yet again? The wrath of Alina is nothing compared to the force of Those Who Will Return. Say now, say now that you will serve the Old Ones and you will be richly rewarded. Come, Nigel, choose well and live at the side of those who will rule. Join us. Join us. Join us."

Yeah. No. I'm afraid I'm not really the joining type, if you know what I mean. Nothing personal though. I mean, I've hung out with Soul Lords, brainless skeletons, really old monkeys (or maybe he was an ape), insane possessed guys who frequently yell "Spleen", a guy with three eyes, and even Paul Preston. So an ancient, possibly dead, god sleeping under the water in his sunken city who wants to rise and eat all humanity seems pretty effin' par for the course.

 

Curiousity Killed the Cat

But hopefully Blake Cates will fare better as he piles on the mailbag questions. He writes:

1. Is Yog-Sothoth the gate?
2. Is the world really against me?
3. Is there any truth to pyramid power? It's crazy, I know, but my friend... umm... Jake Bates (Yeah, that's the ticket!) is very curious about it.

Nice. That's quite a handful Blake.For #1 and #3, how the effin' heck should I know? But those might be great questions to explore in an upcoming IDR session. And as to #2, I'm not against you. But to be fair, I get paid not to be. Give my best to Jake.  

History

Vash Dancer writes "My memory has been a little foggy lately. Could you remind me what happened during [the Witching Hour on your previous world]?" Well Vash, I have to say several people have shown interest in my previous gigs and I must say I'm flattered. Since I don't have time to write a book or make the movie, I've instead worked with the great technicians at STV to recreate some of the key aspects of our old WizNet. If you want to see if you can find it here.

Spare Time

Lila Dent writes: "I know that there are no rankings, but HYPOTHETICALLY, if there were, and, HYPOTHETICALLY, if I had some Spare Time, is there an activity you'd recommend I do to improve my rankings?" Well Lila, so far I'd say you should just keep doing what you are doing. Because if there were rankings it looks like you'd show up in a couple of them (although you really could use some improvement in the BarfBuck category).

South Carolina Heats Up

The South Carolina primary debate marked the first public appearance of Snagglepuss since his candidacy was announced. The pink feline's plan for stimulating the economy was dismissed by foe Newt Gingrich as "nothing but a song and dance". Mitt Romney declared it was lacking in detail by saying "it is just fluff, like a hairball he coughed up this morning then proudly trotted out for all the world to see." The audience seemed more willing to give the big cat a chance. One viewer focused on the fact that "at least he isn't running a negative smear campaign. You gotta respect that." Here we see pontificating puma taking his turn at the mike.

Not Rankings

It's not like we have effin' rankings or anything right now, but if we did and people wanted to know who had acquired the most BarfBucks so far they might find the top four looked like this:

Tasmania Fame

Katarina Drum

Danny Peng

Vash Dancer

Nice! Not that anyone cares. Yet. Right.

Huntsman Quits Race

So John Huntsman has wimped out and quit the Republican Primary race. Effin' loser. Paul talked to him and Huntsman said "It's bad enough to come in behind one old, creepy guy,"  referring to his third place finish in New Hampshire behind Ron Paul, "but now I have to contend with Cthulhu as well?" Huntsman has endorsed Mitt Romney stating "At very least I'd like to see us elect a human. Romney is human, isn't he?"

Michelle Bachmann supported Huntsman in his decision stating "Gingrich is enough of a cartoon character for me. I sure don't want to go up against Snagglepuss."

BU Course Catalog

Hrunrilda Crud writes "I sent in my form to BU for counseling and they sent me back a list of classes to take, but I don't see anywhere to enroll. They also told me to take an elective but I can't find a catalog anywhere."

Don't worry Hrunrilda (I hope I'm pronouncing that right). I'm sure the course catalog and enrollment forms will show up soon enough in your special STV viewer. Until then, you'll just have to imagine all the effin' possibilities. But I can assure you that if you're looking to learn to train Yaks, you won't be disappointed. Nice!

More Mailbag Fun!

Nyarlathotep Cthulhu writes "Nigel. Nigel, my friend. What will you do when the Elders rise from the depths and reclaim this world as their own? What will you do when the screams of children are like leafs on the wind and the cities of men are but ashes on the ebbing tide? Before you ran, ran far from the jungle of Siri, far from the lands of life, seeking only death and finding only pain. Now, their is no exit, no way to escape. You can chose to help those who rise or fight them, but now you must make the choice. Nigel, my friend, what will you do now?"


Right. Well I guess I'm going to do the only thing I can do. Credit old Nyarlathotep Cthulhu with BarfBucks for making contact and sending in a mailbag question. Yep, everyone's an effin' winner on STV and the Nigel Barf End of the World Blog!

Today's Mail

Another loyal STV viewer has come across my blog and wanted to submit an effin' question. Vash Dancer seems to be interested in something he calls rankings? He writes "Nigel, I saw a comment on an earlier post about rankings. Is there a page we can go visit to see the latest rankings?"

Well Vash, nice to have you aboard! And at STV we love all our viewers, so how could we rank them? If you're referring to that comment about Danny Peng leading the league in BarfBucks, well no worry there. He's been passed up by Katarina Drum, but who's counting? So no, no rankings page to go to. Just keep checking back at the blog to see who's, um, doing well at, um stuff. Right!

Alert Readers

Some of our readers are looking out for everyone else out there. One our alert fans, Tasmania Fame himself, found this item: 

http://www.stopabductions.com

Seems like it's one step above an effin' tin foil hat if you know what I mean! Glad to see you're looking out for all of us, Fame!

Thinking Outside the Box

Matraxis Vile writes in: "I have a question for STV about the coming apocalypse, not that there is one coming or anything, but if there were, what if there was this big earthquake and it let out this ancient virus just as a comet was coming close to hitting the Earth and the US, Russia, China, North Korea and Syria all launched missiles to try to stop the comet but the guys shooting the missiles were so sick from the virus that the missiles went wild and started WW III which caused the Ryugyong hotel to topple causing an underground EVENT which forced the LHC slightly off axis causing two particles to merge into a black hole which then dropped deep into the earth and made the door to the House of R'lyeh open. Would that be bad?" 

Now that's thinking outside the effin' box Matraxis. That's the toughest question we've gotten so far. Because before I can answer it, I've have to ask "Bad for who?" Right.